


Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart

by LovelyLittleNothing



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Christmas, Friends to Lovers, shyansecretsanta2k18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 13:52:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17163158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLittleNothing/pseuds/LovelyLittleNothing
Summary: Shane leans in conspiratorially, “My older brother said Santa isn’t real.”“And you believe him?” Ryan asks horrified.“Course not! He’s a dummy. I know he’s just sayin’ that so I won’t act good enough to get onto the nice list.”———Or: Ryan and Shane’s Christmases through the years.





	Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart

7 & 9

Ryan is seven years old and excited to go to his first grown up Christmas party. He’s a big boy now, no longer in kindergarten and so it’s only fair he gets to go down the street to celebrate with the rest of the grown people. Jake is only three, too little to get to come with and Ryan feels a hint of pride that his parents chose to pick him to bring along, even if it does mean he has to wear a stuffy sweater vest and stiff khakis. 

Ryan’s a little nervous, though, because his parents told him that the Madej’s have a son too, named Shane, but he’s nine and therefore even bigger than him and Ryan knows that bigger kids can be mean to younger kids sometimes, even if it is just a two year difference. 

Still, like Ryan said before, he’s a big boy now and that means he’s not scared of anything anymore. So, he takes a deep breath, grabs the toy truck his parents are making him bring as a present for the older boy, and walks with them to the party just a couple houses down.  
\----  
The house is busy when they get there but Mr. and Mrs. Madej still take the time to greet them at the door and thank them for coming. 

“Hey there, little guy,” Mr. Madej says, crouching low to speak to him eye to eye, “what’cha got there?”

“It’s a gift!,” Ryan announces, holding it out proudly in front of him like an offering, “I’m ‘posed to give it to Shane so that he’ll want to be my friend.”

Mr. Madej laughs and straightens back up, “Well, that’s very nice of you, Ryan, but I’m sure Shane’ll want to be your friend either way. If it’s okay with your parents you can go play with him and find out. He’s just in his room.”

Ryan looks up at his parents for permission, smiling widely when they nod and kiss his head. The four of them walk with Ryan down the hall, pausing at an open door and waiting until Ryan walks in. 

“Be good, you two,” Mrs. Madej calls into the room, “and make sure to call us if you need anything.”

And just like that Ryan is left alone with a boy he’s never met before and his palms are getting a little sweaty. 

“Hi, I’m Shane. We just moved here from Illinois. Is that for me?” 

“Um...yeah, it is. It’s a toy truck! Oh, and I’m Ryan! I’m from here,” Ryan says, bout of shyness forgotten.

“You’re not supposed to tell me what it is!”

“Oh,” Ryan says dejectedly, before perking back up, “well, at least you don’t gotta wonder what it is. Plus, my mommy said we can play with it now, anyways!”

“Really?” Shane says like he’s worried Ryan might be trying to play a trick on him, brow furrowing in thought, “but it's not Christmas, yet.”

“Yeah! I wouldn’t lie, Santa would put me on the naughty list if I did.”

Shane leans in conspiratorially, “My older brother said Santa isn’t real.”

“And you believe him?” Ryan asks horrified.

“Course not! He’s a dummy. I know he’s just sayin’ that so I won’t act good enough to get onto the nice list.”

Ryan looks at Shane in awe, impressed with how easily he was able to suss out his older brother’s lies. 

“Wow, I wouldn’t have even thought of that!”

Shane smiles proudly, cheeks tinged red, “S’okay, I thought of it for both of us,” he grabs Ryan’s hand and pulls him to sit next to his chest of toys, “C’mon, lemme show you my pirate ship!”

11 & 13

Shane and Ryan sit in the den, huddled together on the couch as Die Hard plays in the background and the muted sounds of Shane’s parent’s Christmas party go on behind the closed door. 

Ryan’s found the illusion of a “grown up” Christmas party has faded significantly as he’s gotten older. Instead, he wishes he could be going to the party a bunch of his other friends were throwing but his parents still think he’s a little too young to be unsupervised and wouldn’t let him go. 

It’s fine, Ryan thinks contently, the slight age gap between Shane and Ryan mean they don’t see each other in school much and his other friends aren’t close to Shane like he and Shane are so he probably wouldn’t have been invited to hang out with them. Ryan finds he’d rather hang out with Shane anyways. 

“So,” Shane starts, shyly keeping his eyes on where his hands are stringing popcorn onto the string. Making popcorn garlands together had been their tradition for as long as they had discovered their shared love of the snack. 

“What’s up?”

“Do you remember the girl I was telling you about? The one in my math class with the crazy hair?”

“Of course I remember, dude, you wouldn’t shut up about her for like, ever,” Ryan replies rolling his eyes fondly. Shane shoves him and laughs but his cheeks turn red anyways. 

“Well, I finally managed to talk to her and we held hands! She even said she’d be my girlfriend,” Shane sighs dreamily. 

Ryan’s stomach flutters uncomfortably for a second and he furrows his brow in confusion. Shane, wrapped up in describing his new girlfriend, doesn’t seem to notice and something in Ryan tightens as he keeps talking. 

“Hey, are you even listening?” Shane asks, knocking their feet together and shaking Ryan out of his musings. 

“Course I’m listening. I’m just trying to figure out why anyone would agree to dating a human beanstalk,” Ryan manages, staring at his own hands wrapped around popcorn and string.

“Shut up, you’re just jealous,” Shane laughs.

Jealous. Ryan grabs onto that word like a lifeline.

Of course, he thinks to himself, that must be why he was feeling so weird about Shane talking about having a girlfriend. 

He was jealous because Shane had managed to get a girlfriend while Ryan couldn’t even bring himself to talk to a girl for more than five minutes. 

Ryan heaved a sigh of relief at having figured out the reasoning behind the sinking feeling in his stomach but still, the feeling refused to go away. Not until Shane tackled him sideways onto the couch and started an impromptu wrestling match, that is. Not until Ryan’s hands were grappling with Shane’s, wrapped around long, spindly fingers instead of just garland.

 

14&16

“Honestly? The Grinch was right. May the wheels of capitalism crumble and burn.”

Ryan snorts, looking up at Shane from where he lays, head in the older boy’s lap and bowl of popcorn in his own. 

“Alright edgelord, can we save guillotining the rich until after Christmas?”

“I’m just saying,” Shane shrugs.

“Well, say it after the 25th. Some of us still have hearts full of childlike wonder and Christmas lists full of things they can’t afford to buy for themselves.”

Shane laughs and Ryan can feel it reverberate throughout his own body. He’s missing out on yet another Christmas party with his friends to be sat in Shane’s den, marathoning cheesy Christmas movies together and stuffing themselves full of the same popcorn they string around Shane’s tree and yet, he can’t find a single ounce of regret in his entire body. 

Instead, he feels happy, warm, like he could stay in this moment for forever-- laid across Shane’s lap, Christmas lights blurry in his periphery and Shane smiling above him-- and still feel content.

Ryan truly is so thankful to have a friend like Shane.

17 & 19

Shanes back home for the first time since he’s left for college and Ryan couldn’t be more excited to see his giant of a best friend in person for the first time in months. 

He’s even more excited to introduce Shane to his first serious girlfriend. 

Ryan really hopes Shane likes her, the need for two of the most important people in his life to get along causing a torrent of anxious feelings to swirl around his stomach. 

Distantly, he knows that Shane would be happy for him no matter what but the faint thought of not having his best friends approval still rankled something inside him. At this point it was obvious to say that Shane was family to him, that his opinion mattered just as much. 

It didn’t seem as if Ryan had anything to worry about, however, because from the first second Ryan saw him Shane was all smiles. 

“Ry!” Shane called out, face brightening as he pulled Ryan into a tight embrace, “it’s so good to see your mug again. I have so much to tell you!”

“Yeah?” Ryan laughed, squeezing Shane before pulling out of the embrace, “me too, man.” 

“Yeah. In fact,” here, Shane began to lose his bright visage, instead looking down at his twisting fingers, “I was hoping we could maybe talk in private?”

“Of course! I actually have some pretty important stuff to talk to you about, too.”

Shane looked at Ryan, then, face looking cautious yet hopeful. 

“I’m...I’m glad you’re here, Ryan.”

“When have I ever missed one of the Madej’s famous Christmas Ragers, man?”

Shane laughs softly. 

“D’you think we can talk now? I really wanna tell you-“

“Shane!” The two hear Shane’s mom call from across the room, “honey, come here. Tell your aunt and uncle's what you’ve been up to in college!”

Shane flushes red and Ryan watches in amusement as it travels up his ears then down his neck. Ryan follows the flush down, down, down. Down to the open neck of Shane’s button up. Down to his exposed collar bones. Down until his buzzing phone pulls his attention away to let him know his girlfriend has finally arrived. 

“Go on, man. I’ll find you after and then we can talk, college boy.”

Shane groans, “You say that like we’re on some farm in the 1800s and that’s actually an impressive achievement.”

“Aw, shucks. Sorry I haven’t gotten the same learnin’ you got there, college boy!”

“Goodbye, Ryan,” Shane laughs as he makes his way over to his relatives. 

—-

The universe seems to be dead set on keeping them apart, it seems, as every time they get within the other’s field of vision, one of them is called away before they can get within talking distance, only able to shoot the other apologetic smiles before disappearing back into the crowd. 

Ryan’s getting a little frustrated, to say the least. He’s got to leave soon, Ashley’s family is expecting them for their own family party by 9 at the latest. 

He’s left Ashley speaking with his mom to grab some food for the both of them when he finally, finally runs into Shane in the kitchen. 

“Shane, thank fuck, man. I’ve been looking for you all night.”

“Sorry, I’ve been in high demand tonight, it seems.”

“Yeah, the little ol’ aunts are really going crazy for a slice of Madej.”

“Now, that gets a little confusing, ‘cause technically,like, a fourth of this party is Madejs. So, do they want a slice of this Madej specifically or am I just a stand in for any Madej in general?”

“We get it Shane, you’re a college student and use fancy college logic.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault you’re still in high school, little man.”

“Shane? Shut up.”

Shane holds his hands up in surrender. 

“Speaking of college. I’ve, uh, been doing some soul searching. Really, leaning into the whole college cliches and finding myself.”

Ryan groans jokingly in response and Shane shoots him a small smile. 

“Shut up, asshole. I’m actually trying to be serious.”

“That’s a first.”

Shane shoots him an exasperated look and Ryan mimes locking his lips, pressing his mouth in a line to keep from laughing. 

“Anyways, I’ve been doing some reflecting, y’know and I’ll find myself thinking about home now and then and… and when I do I find myself thinking about,” Shane breaks off suddenly before he takes a deep breath, “I really missed you, Ry,” he finishes meaningfully. 

Ryan stands quietly for a minute then breaks out in a smile. 

“That’s what your soul searching amounted to? That you’re capable of having feelings?”

“What? No, Ry. I’m trying to say-“

“Ooh, is this like a Grinch situation? Like, you finally found out that the meaning of Christmas is family and your heart grew two sizes,” Ryan laughs, missing the way Shane’s brow furrows in frustration. 

“Ryan, you’re not listening to what I’m saying. I’m trying to tell you that I think I—“

“Ryan? There you are! My parents are looking for us we gotta go, babe.”

“Oh shit, I almost forgot. Shane, this is Ashley. I wanted to introduce you to her earlier but you kept getting pulled away.”

“This...is why you wanted to talk to me privately?”

“Yeah,” Ryan wraps his arm around Ashley’s waist and she giggles cutely, “I wanted my two favorite people to meet.”

They smile at each other dopily before Ashley pulls away to slap at Ryan’s chest fondly and stick out her hand to Shane. 

“I’m Ashley. It’s really nice to meet you, Ryan’s always talking about the stuff you guys used to get up to.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Shane says in a tight voice that makes Ryan look over in concern. Before he can ask whats wrong, though, Ashley is already continuing the conversation, seemingly oblivious to Shane’s mood switch. 

“I’m sorry that we have to leave so soon but we’ve got my parents Christmas party to crash, too. Ryan’s promised to teach me how to make those little popcorn string-y things I’ve only ever seen in movies.”

“Wow, really? That sounds pretty special,” Shane responds to Ashley but directs it to Ryan, making him wince under the barely veiled hurt. 

“I know, it's really sweet of him. He’s such a nut for popcorn.”

Shane scoffs and when he grits out, “I know, I’ve been his best friend for ten years. In fact making popcorn garlands is our tradition. Or it was,” Ashley seems to finally catch on. 

She steps back with a hurt look on her face. 

“I— I’m gonna wait in the car. Let me know when you’re done, Ryan.”

“Ash,” Ryan goes to grab her hand but she waves him off. 

“It’s alright just...just try not to take too long, okay babe?”

Once she’s out of the room Ryan whirls around on Shane who leans quietly against the counter, a guarded look on his face. 

“What the fuck, man? Why were you being such a dick to her?”

“I’m being a dick? You’re the one who— did you not hear anything I was trying to tell you earlier?”

“What— what does that have to do with how you just treated my girlfriend?”

“Are you serious? I just told you I— and now you’re out here with your girlfriend skipping out on our party and our traditions and—“

“Is that what you’re upset about?” Ryan asks softly, anger draining slightly, “I’m sorry, man I didn’t mean to like ditch you or whatever. I promise I’ll spend the rest of break with you. I missed you, too buddy.”

“Oh my god, Ryan. That’s not what I— you know what. Forget it. Just go to your party with your girlfriend I don’t even care.”

“I’m literally trying to apologize to you, you asshole. What is your problem!”

“You’re my fucking problem!”

“What the fuck does that even mean. You’re so cryptic, I don’t understand you, man.”

“Yeah, clearly you don’t so you might as well leave and hang out with Ashley and her family, since you seem to like them so much more than us.”

“Don’t bring her into this again,” Ryan says heatedly, “and stop being so...so...obsessed with me!”

Shane’s face shuts down, losing all emotions and all he says in response is “Wow. You’re really full of yourself, huh.”

Ryan laughs, though it lacks any humor. 

“So are you! You’re throwing a tantrum just because I can’t spend one day with you? And you made my girlfriend feel like shit? Actually,” Ryan turns and heads for the front door, “I don’t know why I’m wasting my time with you when I should be comforting her.”

“Fuck you.”

“Yeah, fuck you, too.”

And then Ryan’s gone. 

 

18 & 20 

Ryan doesn’t know how to feel about going to the Christmas party this year. 

On the one hand, the Madej Christmas party is a tradition and Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas without it. Plus, Sherry, Mark and even Scott have been part of his life for over a decade and even without Shane tying them together it just feels wrong to not spend the holiday together. 

It's just that him and Shane aren’t exactly on what one would call...speaking terms. 

After the fight they had had last year things had grown stilted between them and though they still talked every once in awhile they just weren’t the same. 

Ryan wasn’t sure what changed. They’d had fights before, of course they did, but last year was just different, felt like it was over something more than Ryan just missing leaving the party but Ryan just couldn’t figure out what. 

And that's why he’s so hesitant to go to the party this year. He doesn’t know where he and Shane stand and he doesn’t know how to fix it. 

He’s not gonna lie, he’s missed Shane over the year but he’s still hurt over how things had ended last Christmas and doesn’t know how he’s expected to act around Shane. 

“Ryan, sweetie, are you ready yet? Once your father gets home we’ll be heading to the Madejs right away.”

“Um, I don’t know, mom. I don’t think I’m going this year.”

“What? Honey, of course you’re coming. We always go over to the Madejs for Christmas.”

“I just… I’m not feeling too good, is all.”

“Ryan,” his mom says, crossing over into his room and giving him a concerned look, “is this about the little spat you and Shane had last time? I thought you had worked it out?”

“I mean, we… we kind of did? We kinda just never talked about it again but we also haven’t talked much in general.”

“Oh baby,” she coos, patting his arm, “that’s why you should go. Talk to him. Make things right.”

“I...I guess you’re right.”

“I always am, baby. Now, get up and get changed. You are not leaving the house looking like that.”

“Hey!”

—-  
Ryan’s already regretting coming to the party and he hasn’t even seen Shane yet. He’s anxious, which isn’t a new feeling for him but is still an unwelcome experience. 

He’s about to dart out for a minute, maybe try to sneak back home, when he literally runs into Shane. 

“Woah, where’s the fire, man.” 

Ryan looks up (and up, and up) at Shane before darting his eyes to the side and giving an awkward laugh. 

“No fire, just…just was gonna get some air, y’know.”

“Uh, yeah. I’ll come out with you. If you don’t mind that is?”

“No, yeah, of course I don’t mind,” Ryan stammers out, cursing himself for not being able to push through the awkward tension. He doesn’t want them to be like this anymore, tense and walking on eggshells around each other, but he doesn’t know how to fix it. Doesn’t know how to settle back into the groove they had worn into each other’s lives’ years ago. 

Their breathes blow out in small puffs in front of them and Ryan rubs his hands over his arms. Behind him, the Christmas lights reflect over Shane’s face like a constellation making him look equal parts ethereal and distant at once. 

“So, how’s your first year at college? You’re over at Chapman, right?”

“Yeah, I’m doing good. Majoring in film and all that. Even joined a frat.”

Shane snorts and smiles down at him. 

“A frat? Oh, Ryan.”

“Hey, what do you mean ‘oh, Ryan?’” He says in faux indignation, making Shane smile at his poor imitation of him. 

“Nothing. You just scream ‘fratboy’ so I don’t know why I’m surprised.”

“Bro, I don’t even know what you’re talking about, dude. You’re wylin’, bro.”

“Oh sorry, dude. I don’t know where I got that impression from, my guy.”

“Bro, it’s alright, bro.”

“Bro.”

They lock eyes for a quiet second before they break out into laughter, loud and full-bodied and its dumb but Ryan swears he can feel everything slot back into place. 

“I swear to God, Ryan if you ever come back like that I’m telling your mom about that one Christmas where you sneaked a sip of eggnog and ended up throwing up on my bed sheets.”

“You do that and I’ll tell your mom that the reason you got sick and almost missed your english final was because you got drunk and straight up ate a pumpkin straight out of the ground.”

“Touché my good sir.”

They fall into a comfortable silence and Ryan realizes how much he missed this, how much he missed Shane. 

“Listen,” Ryan starts at the same time Shane says,  
“About last year…”

They both laugh and Ryan motions for Shane to go first. 

“I just wanna say… I’m sorry for how I acted towards Ashley. I was working through some things and acting immature and neither of you guys deserved that.” 

“Thank you, Shane I really appreciate that. And I’m sorry too if it felt like I was skipping out on you.”

Shane pats him on the shoulder and gives him a small smile, “It’s alright, man.”

They sit quietly for a minute before Shane breaks the moment. 

“So, how is Ashley? You didn’t not bring her because of me did you?”

Ryan snorts, “You think you got that much influence over me, Madej? Nah, me and Ash broke up a couple months ago.”

“Oh?” Shane’s eyes widen slightly, “I’m sorry to hear that, man. Why? She finally figure out what a nutcase you are?”

Ryan shoves Shane but he hardly moves. It seems the added inches have cancelled out the slight muscle Ryan’s always had on him and he isn’t sure why that makes him feel some type of way. 

“You’re such a jackass. It was mutual for your information. Long distance just wasn’t for us.”

“Sure it was, bud. I believe you.”

“Whatever, asshole. What about you? Got a girlfriend you’re hiding from us back in Chicago?”

Shane hesitates and Ryan feels excitement grow at the hint of getting some good gossip, shaking off the weird mood that’s threatening to befall him. 

“Oh, shit you do!” He crows victoriously, “what’s her name.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Shane says slowly, like he’s winding up to something but Ryan doesn’t believe him. 

“Oh, sure you don’t. And I’m a Sacramento Kings fan!”

“Ryan,” Shane says sharply, “you gotta stop interrupting me when I try to tell you important things.”

Shane lightens his tone towards the end but Ryan still feels like a child being scolded, knowing that Shane was referring to the year prior. Ryan still doesn’t understand what was so important about the conversation, can barely remember it in fact, but he keeps his mouth shut out of respect for his best friend anyway. 

“I’m not dating anyone right now, me and my boyfriend just broke up.” 

Shane says it with a shrug, casually, like it’s no big deal but Ryan knows him. Has learned all his tics from being his best friend since childhood. He can see the way Shane’s face has gone carefully blank, that all this nonchalance is a facade. 

Ryan knows he has to tread carefully, but he isn’t really sure what that entails. 

He must’ve been too quiet for too long contemplating the correct response because Shane raises a brow at him and things become tense all over again. 

“Is that gonna be a problem, Ry?” Shane asks, and even with the use of the nickname it carries the weight of a challenge. 

“No, of course not! You’re my best friend, man. I just...I didn’t know you were like...gay.”

“I’m bi, actually.”

“I—uh...I’m glad you felt like you could tell me,” Ryan tells Shane, though it sounds more like a question than a statement of support and it makes Shane’s voice turn brittle. 

“You sure? You don’t sound very glad. I’m not making you uncomfortable, am I?” 

“Shane, don’t be ridiculous. You know I’m not like that. I’m just surprised, is all.”

“Why?”

Ryan’s floundering. The question feels like a trap. Truthfully, he doesn’t know why Shane’s confession is throwing him off so much. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with Shane, isn’t disgusted or anything. He’s just in unknown territory and examining everything too closely is making him feel anxious. 

“Umm, I don’t know? It’s just that, we’ve known each other for so long. You never acted like—“

“Acted like what, Ryan?”

“No, I didn’t mean— you just never seemed like you’d be, y’know, like that.”

“God, you really are perfectly cut out to be a fratboy. You can say ‘bi’, Ryan it’s not actually a dirty word like you all think it is.”

Shane’s getting up and Ryan makes to grab his arm to stop him before thinking better of it. Shane scoffs when he sees the aborted movement and heads back inside. 

Ryan knows he’s never been the best with words but he doesn’t think he’s ever fucked up as badly as this. He sighs, realizing that him and Shane are back at square one. 

19 & 21

Shane isn’t at the party this year and Ryan knows it’s probably his fault. 

He hadn’t thought anything he had said was offensive when it was happening. Badly worded, sure but nothing too bad. But the whole cliche of college making you more progressive or whatever seemed to be true, in his case at least.

He had tried to apologize to Shane and Shane had accepted it but the distance was back between them. And now Shane didn’t even want to come to his own parents party. 

Ryan sighed and pulled out his phone to pass the time. 

_From: Shane_

__

__

_Merry christmas man. Sorry i couldnt come. Have a good holiday._

Ryan responded in kind, glad Shane wasn’t entirely done with him, before pulling up Facebook and idly scrolling. 

_Clickbait article, clickbait article, racist tirade, clickbait article, picture of Shane with his hands around some guys waist, clickbait article—_

Wait. 

Ryan hurriedly scrolled back up and clicked on the photoset. 

Shane’s face stared back at him, happy and open as he hugged who was presumably his boyfriend. 

The man was shorter than Shane by quite a few inches, with a wide white smile, dark hair and an athletic build. 

The more Ryan scrolled through the photos the more irrationally upset he got, something low and ugly simmering in the back of his mind. Even Shane’s dorky Christmas sweater and crinkled eyes couldn’t lighten his mood. 

Ryan frowned, internally scolding himself for once again being homophobic. He knew it was wrong to feel upset at seeing a picture of his best friend with his boyfriend. This is exactly what got him into trouble last year. The feeling of hurt curling low in his gut was something he had to unlearn, something he had to actively had work against, no matter how upset it made him to see Shane with someone else—

Oh. _Oh._

Ryan was in _love_ with Shane. 

Oh. 

_Fuck._

20 & 22

This year Ryan’s the one who doesn’t show up to the party. In fact, he doesn’t even go home for Christmas, which he does feel bad about. 

He just knows that if he did come home his mom would work her little mom magic on him and get him to come to the party and then he’d have to face Shane knowing he was in love with the giant and then he’d just have to die on the spot. 

So, yeah. He’s staying on campus for Christmas. 

“Bro, get over here and help me crush these asshats in beer pong.”

Ryan laughs and shakes off the maudlin mood trying to ruin his Christmas. At least he can get black out drunk and forget about being in love with his bestfriend who probably hates him. 

Perks of being in a party frat he guesses. 

21 & 23

“Ryan! We’re so glad you could come this year. Christmas wasn’t the same without all of my boys here,” Sherry says as she wraps him up in a big hug. 

Ryan hugs her back and only feels mildly guilty for not coming home the year prior but he knows it’s what he needed. 

He’s still in love with Shane but he’s not hopelessly pining, has matured more and can hopefully act like an actual human being around Shane now. 

Hopefully, because he hasn’t seen him yet and been able to test the theory. Ryan says as much to Sherry and she responds by pointing him in the direction of the den. 

“I sent him down to grab a few presents I forgot to put out. He’ll be glad to see you, I think.

Ryan heads down towards their old hangout, heart pounding slightly in his chest. They’ve kept in contact, but barely. Between Shane moving back and finding work in LA and Ryan trying his hardest to graduate they’ve gotten a little sparse in their already previously strained correspondence. 

Still, Ryan can’t keep avoiding him, no matter how nervous he may be or how much it might hurt to see him. He knocks on the door and walks in when Shane yells ‘Come in’. 

“Hey, big guy. Your mom said I could find you in here.” 

Shane just looks at him and for a split second Ryan worries Shane might not want to talk to him at all in person. Ryan wouldn’t blame him, seeing how badly their past few talks have gone but all his worries fly out the window when Shane breaks out in a huge grin, the one that crinkles his eyes and makes Ryan’s stomach swoop. 

Shane strides across the room, reaching him in no time at all with those giant steps of his and gives Ryan a huge hug. 

“Holy shit, man. I didn’t know you were coming. Haven’t seen you in so long, I thought you’d become one of your creepy little missing persons cases.”

Ryan can only stammer in response, too stunned at the enthusiastic response to do much more than to melt into the hug. 

“C’mon, I gotta get these gifts up to my mom before she disowns me.”

Ryan shakes himself out of it before he grabs a box from Shane’s hands, ignoring the way their fingertips brush. 

“If she didn’t disown you for that time you gave yourself that God awful bowlcut I doubt she’ll do it now.”

“I was serving looks and you know it, Bergara.”

“Yeah, Friar Tuck was really taking notes when you came out with that cut.”

Shane walks through the house laughing and Ryan uses the moment to take him in after going so long without seeing him properly. 

He seems happier, more confident and Ryan’s heart fills with affection for him. So much for being able to act normal around Shane. The carefree nature Shane’s always had to him seems more genuine now and the joy radiating from him makes him even more attractive to Ryan and suddenly he doesn’t think he can deal with this sober. 

“Hey, you wanna play a drinking game or something? I’m 21, now.”

Shane snorts, “Like not being 21 ever stopped us before. But why not? Wanna hangout in the den for old times sake?”

Ryan nods and waits for Shane to grab a bottle of whiskey before they head back downstairs. 

“Alright, so what are we gonna play?”

“You’re the fratboy, aren’t you guys like, legally bound to know all the possible drinking games there are?”

“Legally bound— like we have to get sworn in on the frat bible or something?”

“How would I know? Isn’t it like, first rule of frat club: don’t talk about frat club?”

“Shut up, Shane. Just pick a game,” Ryan laughs and Shane smiles in response. 

“Fine, since we’re having a throwback night in the den let’s gonall in: truth or dare.”

“Really, Shane?” 

“What, college grad’s too good for truth or dare, now?”

“I think even middle school grad’s are too good for truth or dare, dude.”

“Oh I’m sorry did you or did you not just beg me to pick the game. Because I think you did.”

“Fine, fine let’s play truth or dare. But don’t come crying to me when you can’t take the heat.”

Shane shakes his head in exasperation but he’s still smiling at Ryan so he takes it as a win. 

—-

“Truth.”

“What was your most embarrassing hookup?”

“Oh, god. Do I have to?”

“Either spill or take a shot, buddy. Your choice. But remember, I get to pour the shot.” Shane rubs his hands together in an imitation of a movie villain but all it does is make him look like a giant praying mantis. Disgustingly, Ryan still finds it endearing. 

“Ugh fine. I was hooking up with this guy after getting absolutely trashed out of my mind at a frat party and I may or may not...have thrown up.”

“Oh Ryan.”

“While we were still making out.”

“Ryan.”

“I know. I hid in my dorm for a week and the guys all made retching sounds whenever they saw me.”

“Let me guess, you stopped experimenting after that?”

Ryan snorted, “Yeah right, we ended up dating for like a month. Guess I’ve just got that inescapable Bergara charm.”

“Wait, you actually dated...a guy?” 

“Yeah? Don’t look so surprised there, buddy. No reason a whole group of people should have to miss out on this,” Ryan says gesturing to himself as Shane mimes banging his head against the table. 

“Anyways, truth or dare, big guy?”

“Truth.”

The alcohol in his system works to give Ryan that extra push of courage to finally find out about what’s been nagging at the back of his mind for the past few years. 

“What were you trying to tell me at the party when we first fought?”

Shane hesitates, looking seriously like he’s just contemplating taking the shot but figures that would make him seem more suspicious. 

“I can’t remember,” Shane says without making eye contact. 

“Shane… you don’t have to lie to me.”

“Why do you think I’m lying?”

“I know you, Shane. Just because we’ve had a rocky couple years doesn’t mean I don’t know you.”

Shane blows a deep breath out of his nose before he sits up straighter, taking on the carefully blank facade Ryan knows comes before Shane dealing with something he doesn’t want to. 

“I...it was years ago but I was really into you. Like, I probably was for a while. Funny, right?”

Ryan doesn’t respond. 

“Ryan? I know you don’t think of me like that, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. It’s just that, you just get me and I don’t know… you’ve always just kind of just been it for me.”

“Truth.”

“What?”

“I pick truth. Now, ask me about why I didn’t show up last year.”

“Ryan… can we just—“

“Just ask me, Shane.”

“Fine, Ryan. Fine. Why weren’t you here?”

“I realized I was in love with you and I couldn’t deal with seeing you knowing you probably hated me after how horribly I handled you coming out.”

“I could never hate you, little guy. I told you, you’re it for me.”

“God, we’ve been idiots haven’t we?” 

Shane’s eye crinkle up as he moves closer and Ryan feels that all familiar swooping of his heart. He places his hand on Shane’s chest, feels the gentle beating of his heart and looks up. 

“Oh my god,” Ryan laughs and Shane looks down at him fondly, soft all around. 

“What?”

“Is that mistletoe above us? Since when was there even mistletoe down here?”

“Guess the Fates are trying to make up for all the shit they put us through.”

“Oh, so skeptic extraordinaire Shane Madej believe in fate, now?”

Shane leans in close, so Ryan can feel the ghost of Shane’s lips against his own when he speaks. 

“Right now? Maybe.”

And then he closes the distance. 

33 & 35

“Fancy meeting you here, under the mistletoe Mr. Madej-Bergara,” Ryan says, eyes sparkling as he looks up at Shane. 

“You as well, Mr. Bergara-Madej. Whatever should we do now.”

“Hmm, I think a kiss may be in order. After all, it is tradition.”

“Of course, can’t be angering the Christmas spirits. Everyone knows spirits should be respected always.”

Ryan rolls his eyes at the not so subtle jab before pressing up on his toes to give Shane a soft kiss anyways, short but full of meaning. 

They pull apart and look at eachother, before they break apart at the sound of a voice clearing. 

“You guys are gross,” Jake says with a straight face, “stop inviting us to Christmas parties just to make us watch you make out.”

“Sorry you have no sense of holiday cheer, Jakey.” Shane says mussing his hair as Ryan laughs at the annoyed look on his younger brother’s face. 

“You guys have too much holiday cheer.”

“Nice talking to you too, you Grinch. Is mom still with Carrie?”

“Yeah, she’s trying to put her to bed. You better go get your kid before mom tries to snatch her for herself.”

Ryan laughs and thanks Jake before grabbing Shane’s hand and pulling him to the nursery. 

True to his word, Ryan’s mom is tucking Carrie into her crib and looking for all the world as if she’s weighing the pros and cons of stealing her own son’s baby. 

“Hey, mom. Thanks for watching her but we’ll take it from here.”

“Are you sure, honey? You know I never mind watching over her.”

“Yeah, we can tell you don’t, mom but it’s okay. Have some fun. We got it.”

“Okay, baby. Merry Christmas, you two.” She takes one more look at Carrie before walking out of the room and closing the door behind her. 

Carrie starts babbling again as soon as she sees her two dads standing over her, waving her fists and generally being a cute baby who wants attention. 

Shane is more than happy to give it to her, picking her up and cradling her to his chest. He’s swaying gently, trying to put her to sleep and singing some Christmas song softly under his breath. 

The light from the houses outside reflect across both of their faces, casting them in shades of red, green and yellow. They’re the most beautiful things Ryan has ever seen. 

Ryan has never had a better Christmas gift than this moment right here.

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas y’all! I made this fic as a gift for extremely-gay-ghosts over on tumblr. You asked for “shane and ryan since they were kids have always had like family chirstmas parties and maybe show them on like 24-31 of December like throughout the years. Angst w/ a happy end“. I ended up changing a few thing but I hope you still like it! Sorry for the wait!


End file.
